When Feedback Feels Like Failure: A Sensitive Writer's Guide to Accepting Criticism

A few weeks ago I ran a beta test on my Murder Mystery Party. It was a good test; I got a lot of useful feedback from it. The players had a great time and correctly solved the mystery. But I think it’s worth acknowledging that sometimes “got a lot of useful feedback” feels like failing.

I do value the critiques I get on my writing, I really do! Feedback is vital in trying to improve at any skill, particularly writing. And I am always grateful when people are willing to give me the time and effort to look at something I’ve made and tell me honestly what they think of it, what I’ve done right, and where I can improve.

But—I’m also a very sensitive person. In a lot of ways; I have sensitive skin, I have sensitive teeth, I have sensory defensiveness as a symptom of sensory processing disorder, etc. And like many artists and writers, I’m emotionally sensitive. This comes with pros and cons. For example, it helps me to be empathetic and to appreciate beauty. But it also means that I’m sensitive to criticism.

You’d think I’d have a thicker skin by now, after years of working with teenagers in my day job—but writing is so important to me that it’s hard not to take comments about my writing very personally. So sometimes getting input from others is very painful; a negative comment about a story I wrote can feel like an insult to my character.

There’s a tendency towards perfectionism in there as well; the idea that, by the time I ever give my writing to another person, it should already be good enough that they won’t have any criticisms to give! Obviously that’s unrealistic and unreasonable, but brains aren’t always realistic and reasonable. This is especially true when you bring mental illnesses like depression and anxiety into the mix.

So when the beta test happened, for a few hours afterward I could only think about all the things that had gone wrong. The puzzles that needed fixing, the clues that weren’t quite clear enough, my own failed attempt at playing as a character and hosting at the same time. I felt embarrassed about making mistakes in front of friends that I like and respect. I felt overwhelmed by all the tasks I needed to add to my to do list to get this project finished. I felt guilty that the experience I had given to my friends wasn’t all that I had hoped it would be.

I’m sure I’m not the only writer or creative out there who reacts this way? Needing feedback to improve but also afraid of the rejection that it can feel like? I know I’ve met writers who seem much more thick skinned than me, but there must be others out there who are equally insecure.

So how do you cope?

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but here are a few things that have helped me:

• Take a break from a project after you get a critique, to give yourself some time to cool off from that knee jerk emotional reaction. When you come back later you’ll be in a better place to look at the comments objectively; to say, “Oh, yeah, that’s right,” or even, “I disagree with this one but it’s good to know someone might react this way”
• Likewise, try to get criticism from people that you won’t see for a day or two afterward. This is mostly helpful for me if someone’s comments makes me feel mad or insulted, which can happen if their constructive criticism comes out on the blunt side
  • On that note, I have a list of people who are only allowed to say nice things about my writing. This mostly includes anyone I am currently dating.
• Remember that the people who are giving you criticisms are on your side; they aren’t tearing you down because they hate you and your project. They’re helping you out because they want you and your project to succeed.
• Communicate with your critique partners about what is most helpful for you in your feedback. You can ask them to be diplomatic in their wording, or to balance positive and negative comments, or to point out problems without trying to offer solutions (or “fix it for you”).
• If someone has been giving you comments that aren’t helpful (or that are just too harshly worded), it might be that this person isn’t the critique partner you need. Be polite about it, but look for your feedback somewhere else.
• Give critiques to other creators; being on the other side can give you perspective, and treating criticism as an opportunity to learn how to give critiques to others can also lessen the emotional impact
• Take time to evaluate the feedback you receive and decide whether or not you agree with it. It’s OK to pick and choose which suggestions you use—because that’s what they are. A bunch of suggestions. And some of those suggestions may be more valuable or useful than others.
• Take time to recognize the positive feedback you’ve received and the things you did well! I actually have a file of “nice things people have said about my writing” that I can go to when I need a pick-me-up
• Remember that the goal of asking for criticisms is not to evaluate your worth; it’s to make your project the best it can be

Going back to the beta test; I felt pretty discouraged afterward, when I could only focus on the problems. But with a little time I was able to come back with a better perspective. Not only did I remember to see the positives of the event and the feedback I’d received—I also was inspired by the feedback to make new improvements I never would have thought of on my own. And as my friends reminded me; the entire point of the beta test was to spot all of the problems we found while they are still fixable. Having problems come up wasn’t a failure; it was the entire point of the exercise.

Also, once you get past the pain of being human enough to need it, editing can be fun! Well, I’m not sure how many writers agree with me on that one. But for me, figuring out all the moving pieces and making everything work together is like a game or a puzzle. I don’t mean so much the proofreading, grammar part of revision; I mean fixing plot holes and foreshadowing and character voice and all the pieces that need to fit together in the frame of the story you made in previous drafts. I mean seeing how everything fits together once you’ve cut out the things that don’t work. I mean the part where you look at what you’ve created and see how far you’ve come.

Anyway, I’m still working on the Murder Mystery party. I have a tentative goal to get it ready to sell by September of this year, but I’m going to prioritize getting things done right over getting things done fast. I’ll keep you updated.

🫶 Jen